If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
You Might Also Like
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.