@zachreinert03: If a genie granted me 3 wishes I'd ask for unlimited wishes, then I'd probably take a nap
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@WilliamAder: As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it's a good thing I never had kids. Or did I?
@Be___Dope: [text] Her: I picked up buffalo wings. Me: * moves furniture around * rolls out plastic sheeting
@MoistPork: If you're a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?