Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
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Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
My dad teaching me to drive
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ