Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
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I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Stop sending me this shit.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*