An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
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Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog