If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
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Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*