If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
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MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.