*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
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would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.