@SteveInevitable: If a girl texts you and asks if you think she's fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that's pretty cool.
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@deardilettante: [ first date ] Me. Do you take drugs? Him. I never touch them. Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
@AdamBroud: Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir. Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
@t0shiba: Sometimes I type a 'C' when I meant to type an 'A'. And now I have to apologize to my 'Aunt'
@imchriskelly: "What charities do you donate to?" "I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world."