Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
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Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.