i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
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When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.