If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
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I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Sorry I made promises on Friday