If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
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*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”