Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
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Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
decorating my apartment
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?