If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
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If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life