@katiefzack: If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
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@jonnysun: phd thesis: the amoumt of property damage depicted in a action movie is directley proportional to its budget
@iwearaonesie: "Don't put it on my plate if you don't want me to eat it!" - me to my kid, who's crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
@jergarl: My stages of awkward: Sober me: I don't know what to do with my hands Drunk me: I don't know what to do with my face High me: What face?
@Ristolable: For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me