If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
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How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Mornin. * use accordingly
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating