My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
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“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.