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what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down