Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
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Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?