@SaraMansford: If a guy tells you he makes 6 figures a year it doesn't necessarily mean he's rich. He could be a really lazy guy working at a toy factory.
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@ImaFlyontheWall: *follows around a family of ducks in the park while playing Sandstorm on a boombox*
@liv_thatsme: I never pay for pizza delivery. I always just say something weird like "I got this for us," & before I know it, they're speeding away.
@matt___nelson: [angrily taking off banana suit] "Why didn't you tell me we were going to a funeral"
@camelSWAG69: [walks into gym with my sunglasses on] WHATS UP LADIES *takes off sunglasses* damn it 3rd treadmill I've hit on this week