@SaraMansford: If a guy tells you he makes 6 figures a year it doesn't necessarily mean he's rich. He could be a really lazy guy working at a toy factory.
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@KevinFarzad: "Is it long enough to reach most people's beds?" "Yes." "Perfect, make it a couple inches shorter." -Apple, creating the iPhone charger.
@living_marble: Ann: I wanna break up Ed: why? A: you use time travel to manipulate me E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this? A: well... Hey!
@WhaJoTalkinBout: [text] Hub: I have to go to the doctor. Me: Is it your eyes? Hub: Yes! Me: Is your vision blurry? Hub: Yes!! Me: You're wearing my contacts.
@david8hughes: [stares at baby for almost an hour after I've finished feeding him] Wife: he can't talk, he's not going to thank you