If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
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“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing