If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
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Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I don’t know what to do
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
What my back needs
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.