@omgthatspunny: If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, then expect a long sentence.
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@SICKOFWOLVES: HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
@AristotlesNZ: My stalker sucks. She needs to try harder. I always have to keep going & finding her. It's like I'm following HER around. It's ridiculous.
@Jandalize: With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
@1Happytwit: Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.