Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
You Might Also Like
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
God making man in his image was the original selfie
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Death certificates are our last participation award.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you