@smedlee: If a lady ever jumped out of my cake goddamnit she better be holding more cake
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@TheMichaelRock: 7yo: I HAVE A LOOSE TOOTH! Me: The Tooth Fairy doesn't want you messing with it until payd...Friday.
@Mr_Kapowski: Even if you're single, always blame a declined credit card on your fictional spouse at the register.
@ranndrew: Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th. Bae Cop: My parents aren't home. Come over.