@smedlee: If a lady ever jumped out of my cake goddamnit she better be holding more cake
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@breadzeppellin: My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
@SarcasticAlly12: My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: "can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?"
@fletchworld73: So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I'm pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
@NicestHippo: The first judge ever was like "When I'm done talking I'll pound my desk with a hammer" and we were all "Ok that's not insane"