If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
You Might Also Like
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
True.
(more comics:
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”