Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
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My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..