Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
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Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
let’s discuss
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
This is me
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.