If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
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I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Sooo many times…..
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.