Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
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HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.