If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
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“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Finally! 😈
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt