If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
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The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Body by cheese-puffs.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards