@zacharyflynn: If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I'm okay with it as long as they're happy.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@TheLeslieMommy: Old lady across from me in ER waiting room just asked me, "So are you sick?" No, I'm just here for the free CNN.
@ComedicBust: My girlfriend's furious that I bought her The Golden Girls box set for her birthday, but I knew she'd get over it since she's not real.
@trojansauce: [being held back from my burning house by firemen] get off me you bastar- MY VIN DIESEL BODY PILLOW IS STILL IN THERE
@GrandadJFreeman: My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.