If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
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ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.