Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
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Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
as is their right
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.