@TheDinky: If a mugger ever asks me to draw an uppercase cursive Q or he'll shoot, tell my family I died a hero... #hero #cootertales
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@awesomeseank: My wife has her period so I suggested swimming, beach volleyball and a horseback ride. She told me to piss off. Commercials are misleading.
@MichaelTrying: Top 3 screwdrivers: 1. Tool for turning screws 2. Vodka and orange juice 3. Method of Uber payment
@LostFelicia: A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I'm like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver's license.