@OfficialBanks93: If a murderer wanted to lure me out of my room all he'd have to do is turn off my wifi cause sure as shit i'm gonna see why it aint working
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@SirEviscerate: You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
@LethargicLife: Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani? Me: Thanks! It's Febreze. I just took a dump.
@brianbowman73: I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.