@OfficialBanks93: If a murderer wanted to lure me out of my room all he'd have to do is turn off my wifi cause sure as shit i'm gonna see why it aint working
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@chuuew: [Dinner with family of Owls] ME: Want me to say grace? DAD OWL: No. We don't do that M: I thought you were- D.O: Pls don't M: birds of pray?
@donjuantip: ALCOHOL. Because no one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
@MikeMcNeil_: wife: "HOW ARE WE OUT OF ICE AGAIN?" me: "DUNNO," I yell from the bathroom; the penguin and I can barely contain our laughter.
@NurseMurderer: This earthquake was the first time that I've ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."