[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
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People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
sliding into dms like
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what