@juliussharpe: If a non-profit accidentally makes a profit they must be like, "Guys we totally suck at losing money."
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@DevilryFun: You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
@panmidwest: [Walk into a Cat Cafe] Me-I've never eaten cat. What do you recommend? Lady-They're for adopting not eating M-Oh, well can I adopt one? L-No
@SortaBad: "President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?" The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
@DanMentos: 18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese 42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese