@juliussharpe: If a non-profit accidentally makes a profit they must be like, "Guys we totally suck at losing money."
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@abbycohenwl: [marriage counseling] Wife: I just wish he wasn't so clingy Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
@jake_lach: I don't punish the dog for eating my unattended food because I do the same thing to other people
@DothTheDoth: Mulder: we're trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm. Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We're on a train.
@vineyille: My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they've taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.