@juliussharpe: If a non-profit accidentally makes a profit they must be like, "Guys we totally suck at losing money."
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@Brianhopecomedy: Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
@rockymomax: HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club ME: but we’re talking about it now HIM: I mean like to your friends ME: were not friends? HIM: I mean kinda but- ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
@The_MartiniGirl: Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
@BoomBoomBetty: A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.