The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
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My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
“What movie?” 🤔
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Life hack
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*