If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
You Might Also Like
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.