if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
You Might Also Like
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Ha.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.