If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
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I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.