@TheBoydP: If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
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@MDthrice: *on date* Me [don't let her know you're married] I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone. Her: oh that's cool. Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
@joci2203: Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today? Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
@pixelatedboat: Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn't find the other guy's arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
@Reverend_Scott: My favorite oxymorons: 1. Jumbo shrimp. 2. Act natural. 3. Boneless ribs. 4. Civil war. 5. Freezer burn. 6. Adult male. 7. Happy marriage.