If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
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[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander