Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
You Might Also Like
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!