The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
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People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
sir, my pâté if you please
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*