@fleshcake: If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I'd still be like, "aww."
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@UncleDuke1969: Brain: You've got ONE shot at this. Me: Ready. Brain: Go talk to her. "YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?" Brain: Magical!
@ColeyGuacamole_: When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans" all I hear is "there's a bear out there who knows how to use matches."
@ColoChiver: Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
@KalvinMacleod: ME (pulling wishbone): I won WIFE: what'd u wish for? M: uh world peace W: Nice *human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?