@fleshcake: If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I'd still be like, "aww."
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@electrolemon: i'm so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don't accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just "all the money you got"
@Underchilde: When couples tell me they're taking their relationship to the next level, I just assume they’re gonna start throwing cutlery at each other.
@ibid78: "You thinkin what I'm thinkin?" "That we should dance our way out of this street fight?" "Wait what?" "No time! Break on 8! And a 5 6 7 8."