@fleshcake: If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I'd still be like, "aww."
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@notacroc: GROCER: slide your card ME: it didn't work GROCER: does it have a chip? ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
@TinaMav: I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother's room. I can't believe it... she's a superhero!
@AndyAsAdjective: INTERVIEWER: what's your greatest strength? ME: shape shifting INTERVIEWER: is that so? INTERVIEWER: yes INTERVIEWER: holy shit