@fleshcake: If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I'd still be like, "aww."
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@truegritrumble: (First Day as an Interior Decorator) ME: I'm not sure this giant cross is right for this space. PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
@ehdannyboy: I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me. I said, "Ok, what do you want?" She said, "I want you to turn the ceiling fan down."
@TheMichaelRock: HR: You can't urinate outside. Me: Then how will we keep the jellyfish away? HR: Can you take a drug test? Me: Nope, I'm all out of urine
@mattgallo123: The only thing more shocking than finding water on planet Mars would be finding me in Planet Fitness.