If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
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[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety