YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
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Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic