Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
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My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.