If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
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My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps