If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
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HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride