@AmberTozer: If a shark is ever attacking me I'm gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
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@leechee420: Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
@DanMentos: "Ed's Plumbing" Hi I think an engagement ring is stuck in my toilet "ok when did your lady drop-" She didn't "Sir?" I hid it in her dessert
@loribuckmajor: Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
@forcemajeure40: Apparently when I'm at Olive Garden I'm family. So why did they call the cops when I left without paying? My family never makes me pay.