No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
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You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
The legends speak of a third Duran…
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure