Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
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My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
A wise man once said nothing.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Yoga Matt
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Trying
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten