@SuperJuanderer: If a spider attacks you, you should play dead. No, wait... that's for a bear. If a spider attacks a bear, you should play dead.
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@squirrel74wkgn: [at a party] *taps wife's shoulder* I've looked everywhere...where are all the swings? (wife pulls away from kissing Bob) "What?"
@thatguyJA: My son ate all the marshmallows in the Lucky Charms and well guess who isn't paying for his college now.
@rad_milk: if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
@Scott_A_Gilmore: 'Kyrgyzstan' is what happens when you've already named all the other countries and you have left over letters.