@SuperJuanderer: If a spider attacks you, you should play dead. No, wait... that's for a bear. If a spider attacks a bear, you should play dead.
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@mariokeyparty: My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a "father-son" picnic and he invited his father
@causticbob: I wrote 'DIVORCE', my wife wrote 'YES'. Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
@ArfMeasures: ME: Ok, that's everything in the dishwasher *closes dishwasher door* *turns it on* *turns around* TEASPOON: You're not gonna believe this
@Rollinintheseat: Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.