My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
You Might Also Like
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.