If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
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I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
not to brag, but mine was free
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?